


if you love me

by PitchonthePitch



Series: AUgust Soulmate AU's [3]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Attempted Murder, Double Dating, F/F, F/M, I love one (1) werewolf with murderous tendencies, Internal Conflict, Jealousy, M/M, Non-Consensual Touching, Oh also, POV Simon, Pansexual Simon Lewis, Past Abuse, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Past Character Death, Romantic Soulmates, Scars, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Stalking, again just briefly mentioned, and actually maia's fault, jimon and claia endgame, jordan was not a good boyfriend, just briefly mentioned, past maia/jordan - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-04
Updated: 2019-08-04
Packaged: 2020-07-30 21:09:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20103655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PitchonthePitch/pseuds/PitchonthePitch
Summary: Soulmate AUFirst Words - You have the first words your soulmate says to you somewhere on your body (and vice versa).Some people had trouble finding their soulmates.  Other people chose not to look for them.  Simon and Maia were two of those people.  But then came the double date that would change everything.





	if you love me

**Author's Note:**

> Be mindful of the tags! This story deals with some heavy subject matter
> 
> Takes place after Maia tried to kill Clary, and Clary fended her off with a rowboat paddle. Like, seriously. You're telling me Clary won a fight with a werewolf, with a paddle as her weapon? I call bullshit.

The first time Simon saw Maia’s soulmark, he traced a finger over each letter: a slow and gentle motion against her skin. They had just started dating, but Simon could already tell he was on his way to falling for her. He was starting to feel the same way about her as he felt about Clary, once upon a time: like he would do anything for her. Simon had a terrible habit of falling hard and fast for people. His feelings would have scared him, if he thought there was any chance Maia was his soulmate.

“Don’t,” she said.

Simon pulled his hand back from where it was touching her bare back. “Sorry, did I do something wrong?”

“Just -- don’t touch the mark, okay?”

“Does it hurt when I touch it?”

“No, it doesn’t hurt. Just feels uncomfortable.” She paused before adding, “Jordan used to touch it all the time, even when I asked him to stop. He was obsessed, like he couldn’t stand the thought of me being tied to someone else.”

“I’m sorry,” Simon said. He knew her past with Jordan wasn’t something she liked to talk about.

The first time Maia met Jordan, she told him she liked his shirt. Simon imagined she was friendlier back then, more open and less cautious than she was now. He couldn’t imagine the Maia he knew reaching out to compliment a stranger. Jordan thought she was his soulmate when they first met. He had the words, ‘I like your shirt’ printed on his chest. By the time he figured out Maia was just a girl who happened to like his shirt, he had already grown attached to her. He wanted to be in a relationship, even if they weren’t soulmates. So he said, anyway. Yet, even as he claimed he didn’t care about their soulmarks, he was always jealous and paranoid that Maia would one day meet her soulmate and leave him.

Maia didn’t leave him for her soulmate. In the end, she left him because he was a shitty boyfriend with trust issues and a stalking problem.

“Not your fault,” she said. “Just the soulmark’s fault.”

Just one of many faults, Simon thought. He knew the problems with soulmarks firsthand: the pressure they added to relationships, the jealousy they sparked, the mark of ownership they inflicted on wearers without their permission. His mom had been ‘lucky’ enough to find her soulmate. She fell for Simon’s dad hard and fast. When he died, she couldn’t deal. She felt like she’d lost the other half of herself. She started drinking to numb the pain. And then she couldn’t stop. Simon was sixteen when he dropped her off at her first rehabilitation facility.

“Sometimes I resent my soulmate,” he admitted.

Maia was quiet. “Me too.”

He didn’t ask her if she knew who her soulmate was. They didn’t talk about their soulmates when they were together. He just said, “I’m really glad I met you.”

“Me too.”

***

“Clary told me she’s never seen your soulmark.”

Simon was on the double date from Hell. He was flabbergasted. He was infuriated. He couldn’t believe Jace picked_ this_ restaurant, out of all the options Simon had rambled off at him when he asked for dating advice. He couldn’t believe Jace had asked him for _dating advice._ And now, now Jace was asking about his soulmark -- out of all the conversational topics he could’ve chosen.

What even was Simon’s life, right now?

Clary sounded embarrassed. “I just mentioned it to Jace once. You never showed it to me, even when we were dating.”

Simon tried not to pick at his wristband. He could practically feel the words burning where they laid etched into his skin. “No, I guess not. We’re not soulmates; I didn’t think Clary would want to see it.”

Jace opened his mouth.

Maia cut in, before he could say anything more. Simon was grateful. “What about you two? Are you soulmates?”

“No,” Clary said. She lifted the hair from her neck and flashed the bare skin at Maia. Her soulmark was one word:_ ‘Sorry.’_ Clary shrugged, with a sad little half smile. “My soulmate didn’t give me much to work with. I can’t count the number of times a stranger has said sorry for bumping into me. I doubt I’ll ever figure out who my soulmate is.”

Jace held out his wrist to them. Four words stared back at Simon, mocking him. _‘Um, what’s going on?’_ Jace shrugged. “I’m a shadowhunter. I work with a lot of people who look to me for directions. My soulmate didn’t give me much to work with, either.”

“But we have fun together,” Clary added, smiling at Jace. She nudged Jace’s shoulder with her own; he grinned back at her.

“What--” Simon’s voice had caught in his throat. “What happened to your wrist?” There was scarring just below the letters, like someone had tried to cross them out.

Jace took his wrist back. He shrugged, trying to appear nonchalant. He wasn’t doing a good job. “Valentine. He always taught me that to love is to destroy. Sometimes he liked to demonstrate with my soulmark.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Not your fault.”

Right. Just the soulmark’s fault. Simon picked at his food and tried not to look as guilty as he felt.

“Well,” Jace said, “at least I don’t have to ask if you two are soulmates. _‘Back off’_ just doesn’t sound like you, Simon.”

Simon stared at him. “How do you know what Maia’s soulmark says? It’s pretty well hidden.”

“Um.” Jace looked like he was regretting all of his life choices.

Clary was staring at Maia. “Your mark says, _‘Back off?’”_

Maia crossed her arms, defensive. Interestingly, Simon noticed that she refused to meet Clary’s gaze. “Yeah, so? Lots of people tell me to back off. I’m a werewolf with light homicidal tendencies. Remember when I tried to kill Jace, way back when?”

Clary looked like she barely heard her, she was so lost in thought. “I always wondered how I could beat a werewolf in a fight. With a paddle, of all weapons. I didn’t beat you, did I? You stopped fighting when I told you to back off.”

“No, I didn’t--”

“You stopped fighting because you realized I’m your soulmate. Then you said sorry to me. That was the first thing you ever said to me.”

Maia was getting up. “I can’t do this here. Simon, I’ll call you later.” She left her money for the dinner on the table. Then, she left. Simon debated whether or not to follow her; she looked like she was about to cry.

Clary threw her own money on the table and followed after her. “Maia, wait--”

So, Simon stayed where he was.

So did Jace.

Wow, Simon didn’t think this date could get anymore awkward. But apparently it could, because now he and Jace were sitting across from each other in silence. Neither of them seemed sure of what to say now that their girlfriends had left them to go be with each other.

“So,” Simon started, “you slept with Maia?”

Jace made a big show of scoffing. “We just found out Clary’s her soulmate, and you’re mad at _me?”_

“Clary didn’t choose to be her soulmate; you chose to sleep with her.”

“You two weren’t even together at the time!”

Simon… couldn’t argue with that logic. He slouched down in his seat, defeated. “You’re right. Sorry. I’m just being…” Jealous. Possessive. Just like Jordan. Just like his mom. “...stupid,” he finished, lamely.

Jace was staring at him. He had a contemplative look on his face.

“What?” Simon said.

“Why do you wear that wristband all the time?”

Simon was tired. Maybe that’s the reason he decided to tell Jace the truth. He just found out his girlfriend and his best friend were soulmates. He learned that Valentine had used Jace’s soulmark to torture him. And, like the smooth guy he was, he somehow scored a double date with his girlfriend and his soulmate. Simon was tired. So, he told Jace the truth. “I wear it so nobody sees my soulmark.”

Jace frowned. “You don’t want to meet your soulmate?”

“No, I didn’t. Look, as much fun as this whole date has been--”

_“‘Didn’t?’”_

“What?”

“You said you ‘didn’t’ want to meet your soulmate. Have you met them? Do you know who it is?”

“No.”

“But you said--”

“I know what I said. I’m tired; it’s been a long day.”

Jace held out his wrist again. A challenge. “I showed you mine.”

Simon stared at the words, interlaced with old scars. “Did Valentine really teach you that to love is to destroy?”

“Yeah.”

“Did you believe him?”

“I used to. Sometimes I still do. I’ve seen the way love can blind people, make them weak, get other people hurt. But other times…” He let out a breath, looking thoughtful. “I’ve seen the way love can make people strong. I’ve seen the way it makes you strong.”

“Me? Really?”

“Yeah.” Jace looked at him like he was stupid. “You made a deal with the Seelie Queen to keep Maia safe. You cut off contact with your family so Heidi wouldn’t come after them again. Hell, you dove headfirst into the shadow world just to stay by Clary’s side. Your love for other people has defined you as the person you are now.”

“Yeah. I guess it has.” He stared at the blood pooled over his steak. Love could do terrible things to people. “I have to go.”

“You still haven’t shown me your mark,” Jace said. “Do I know your soulmate?”

“I’m sorry; I have to go.”

“What are you sorry for?”

Everything. Valentine. The stupid goddamned soulmark. “I don’t know. Sorry your girlfriend found her soulmate.”

“So did yours.” Wow, okay, so Jace was just poking holes in all of Simon’s lies tonight.

“Right. I’ll see you later, Jace.”

“Simon.” Jace stopped him before he could get up. “Do you remember what the first thing you ever said to me was?”

He let out a shaky breath. “Yeah. Do you really want to know?”

Jace faltered. He looked away, down at where his hands lay on the table. Simon saw that they were shaking. “I -- I don’t know.”

Slowly, Simon nodded. “Maybe later, then. I’ll see you.” He left his own money on the table and headed off.

When he looked back, Jace was staring at him, looking torn.

***

Maia called him the next day. She told him she was going to give this thing with Clary a chance.

“I’m happy for you,” he said. Maia was the bravest person he knew. He didn’t know how she could trust the same soulmark that caused her so many problems when she was with Jordan. He didn’t know how she could trust love, after all the pain it put her through.

“Are you going to tell Jace?”

Simon froze. “Tell -- tell Jace what?”

“Simon, come on.”

He sighed, defeated. “How did you know?”

“Wasn’t a hard guess. I saw the way you looked at him last night. When you found out we slept together, you didn’t look at me. You looked at him.”

Was he really so obvious? Simon felt mortified.

Maia’s voice was gentle on the other line. “So? Are you going to tell him?”

“Jace has already been through enough because of his soulmark. So have I.”

“Simon… are you going to be okay? I know you,” Maia said. “You’re a caring, loving person. You shouldn’t suppress that part of yourself.”

“There are all kinds of ways to love someone. Sometimes loving someone means letting them go, until they’re ready to love you back.”

“Is Jace the one who’s not ready, or are you?”

He made a small sound of agreement. “You’re right. I’m not ready. And if Jace is really my soulmate, he’ll wait for me.”

They made plans to have lunch that week. Maia would bring Clary if she wasn’t busy. Or Simon would invite her the next time he saw her. He felt so relieved that everything was still okay between the three of them, even after all the drama from last night.

“Bye, Simon,” she said. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

He saw Jace at the Institute a few weeks later, after he dropped Clary off at her room. Jace asked him to train with him. They goofed around. Jace booped him on his nose, twice. Simon didn’t take off his wristband, and they didn’t talk about soulmarks.

But maybe they would. One day.


End file.
